This article, originally titled "The Cardiovascular System", was edited without Mr. Anderson's consent, because Mr. Anderson was unreachable. That's just how I roll.
-Editor

Once there was a ninja from space. His name was Eduardo Sanchez. Every day he'd go to the grocery store and say, "Hey! I'm Eduardo Sanchez, motherfucker!"

Then he'd buy some bread.

After eating some delicious, delicious bread, Eduardo would put on some pants and go into the subterranean catacombs of a large European city and meet up with a group of obese recovering anorexics. Together they would discuss politics and llamas. (Llamaba por telefono!)

One morning, Eduardo woke up and saw a clown with a chainsaw hovering above him. He lived with several homicidal circus employees, so this was nothing new. Eduardo took a grenade from his top hat and glued it to the clown's frontal lobe.

He then drove a herd of cattle into the kitchen, where an elephant trainer sat eating a box of Hostess white powdered donuts and an ear. The elephant trainer looked at Eduardo, and screamed uncontrollably.

Wallace P. Hernandez stood in the corner minding his own business.

Eduardo left his house at a high velocity and collided with a fruit stand. The impact left 87% of the planet uninhabitable for twelve thousand years.

Dead Eduardo wasn't alive anymore, but he wasn't dead. The pockets in his jacket were FILLED with olives. So, he went to the grocery store and screamed, "Hey! I'm Ed-"

But he was too late. Eduardo's arch-rival, Kip Schlorbatron, had beaten him there. Kip proclaimed that he was, "Kip Schlorbatron, motherfucker", before Eduardo could make his claim to being "Eduardo Sanchez, motherfucker."

Adding insult to injury, Kip stood at the checkout counter, buying not one loaf of bread, not three loaves of bread, but two loaves of bread!

Eduardo took a mechanical pencil from his billowing robe, clicked it twice, and said, "It's on, bitch."

Kip Schlorbatron casually removed a sub machine gun from his front pocket and riddled Eduardo's strong, lantern-like jaw with bullets, killing him, for real, almost instantly.

Several years later the government released An Anthology of Famous British Stories and Some Shit About Eduardo Sanchez by his former roommate, Seņor Jalepeno the Ear-eating Magician. A massive statue of Eduardo was erected in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan, SPACE. The statue was torn down a decade later by a mob of disenfranchised Pacific Islanders. But his legacy lives on. He has inspired millions of Americans and at least four carnies to hate immigrants and to pursue squirrels through fields of wheat.

He truly was Eduardo Sanchez, motherfucker.

***